last night i manage to drink without letting him know... i was in game with them tot i was drunk... i hide myself not i dun wanna talk.. i wish to joke & fool around with them but~~ hai~ forget it! i dunno how to say! I dunno wad am i thinking!! i'm gonna train my mp5 & ak haha! after awhile i feel very giddy and my body start to numb~ 1st time i drink my heart not pain but feel very unwell... end up i dunno how i fainted! didn't dare to let anyone know else later they will worried abt me!! and he know i drink again gonna ~~~~ so i didn't let anyone know except refrost~ & my mei saw i drink when i fainted no 1 know~~ HAHA! When i awake, my pc flood with messages then i saw he still in game so i joined in~~ LOL! not i dun wanna answer u i dunno wad to say or answer u.. i dunno wad & how can i make u happy~ if i wasn't there if u dunno me from the start i guess u r happier~ i can't do anything for u but adding problems~ then he told me check on my phone~ wow got 32 missed calls from him & bk.. and alot of sms! i guess this time i really drink until KO! you know whenever u called me L***o in game i wanted answer u.. but do i fits? whenever i ans either i'm died or i can't hear wad u say~~ i'm not trying to run away from u.. i just afraid of hurting u.. i'm just afraid of showing my feeling to u... I'm sorry~ i know i'm stupid, navie...!! Most stupid is i know i dun say or tell u anything, u will never know wad i'm doing even i written here, u also won't know de!

("v") sorry is wad i can really say i really wish i'm able to reply when u call me that in game! i simply love it too =x ("v") 11/21/2007 09:43:00 AM

19 nov 2007
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today meet QW at PS~ i was late for an hour cos i over slept LOL! when we reached there, had lunch or can say it's my dinner.. then we went shopping around brought the things i need~~ saw a adidas jacket~ gonna get it! I SWEAR!! wanna get more jackets~ especially pull over! then we went find his watch... i'll try to get u a watch for ur xmas present~ Then we went to slack at PS mac... until was abt time to meet bk & salt... I wasn't talking much hands were shaking like hell... feeling so weak~ then watched the show game plan... the show was nice... it's abt fatherly love~ i'm kind of jealous.. i was crying for the whole show.. actually i'm finding excuses to cry i guess~ After the show, they rushed to toilet.. How can i so careless! never check if i did check b4 we left~ salty won't lost his wallet~ URG! WHY WHY WHY!!! i just nv able to help him do anything la~ if not cos i wanna watch movie he won't lost his wallet! b4 he realise he lost his wallet, we were on our way to supper.. Smsed nicole... told her alot of things then found that she's in the same situation as me.. she broke off with her bf too~ mayb we really shd meet up to keep ourself update there's so many things i wanna tell her~ i smsed her telling some of my problem until i cried in his car.. HE SAW IT! HAI~ so emo~ after getting back to find his wallet that wasn't able to find it! we went back to hav supper... i dun feel like eating so was drinking~ Then i insist on treating that supper! FINALLY i'm able to pay~ Then he send us home.. i reached hom straight away drink le.. Drink until dead drunk~ pissed him off again! URG! why am i always do this to him.. i dunno wad i told him I JUST CAN'T REMEBER ANYTHING I'VE SAID!!! saw his sms was like o.O he had enough of me! mayb i'm too sensitve~ Being with him i wassss REALLY HAPPY & COMFORT! cos i have never got a person care that much like he does! but i was~ URG!

("v") dun abandon me! dun leave me alone~ i dun wanna go back to loner life! I wanna u guys as my friend always always always~ or i can say my brothers? i wish i can call u that but can call u kor~ I'm just hopeless, helpless good for nothing~ Why am i aways so failure?! Why am i here?! why am i'm born when i hate my life that much?("v") 11/20/2007 09:26:00 AM

18 nov 2007
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finished work early~ reached home around 3.30pm.. bath and do my stuff... meeting them at night for movie.. i was checking up the time & show... Then brought 3 movie ticket of game plan for $22... wanted go out 1st de wanna buy my stuff de end up i was late so salt came and fetch me.. i think we really run out of topic... When we reached, went to brought coffee~ The had dinner at long john.. after doing so many stuff we went collect the ticket then know it's monday not today~ so~~ RUIN! i wanna watch movie so tempted~ Then we went to find de5~ sat at coffee shop & chatted until was closed.... At night i think i did drink forget le.. Just know that talked alot to salt on phone.. i guess i hav to let go of my feeling i dun wanna see him so emo cos of me! i think he's tired of his life too.. He did so much & care alot for other and hav no time for himself... He care alot on his friends... I dunno how to describe that feeling he hav but i guess i can understand.. i dun wanna b a burden to him also~ Thus, i decide no matter how hard i'm gotta get myself out of that hole! wanna him able to breath again.. Being friend might b a better choice~ Everyone got 2 personality.. not only u salt~ dun think that way! i really feel so useless!! The last msg he send was kinda sad "Nite nite last time call you this ba darling lao po and pigcess"

("v") i dunno wad can i do~ wad can i help! I'm so useless!! I guess i shdn't say much cos the more i say, the more unhappy he is... He got the power of being a leader gather everyone one... Wad's mine? i guess muy aura is a curse that is cannot b too good or close to anyone no matter how much i wish to~~ so many things happened until i'm alreday lost my path! All i can say & wish to say to him is i'm sorry!! and i'll keep that feeling to myself in here, my heart! ("v") 11/19/2007 09:13:00 AM

15 Nov 2007
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Smsed him but no reply after work, Bk & i tried to call him alot of time for supper~ LOL! finally he replied.. But he wasn't in gd mood... However we still went out for supper.. Salty came to fetch me 1st.. i was so worried cos i dunno how to make ppl laugh when they are emo or down i feel that i'm so useless at times.. Especially dunno how to console some 1 i like.. Then i went over to his house nua-ing.. when he drove his family to airport, while waiting for him, i played css when he reached home, i play naruto2.. Still lose to computer.. Then both of us nua-ing chating~ talking abt my left hands~ Then fallen asleep~ until 12pm++ i then get home.. played css for awhile then went to slp...

("v") I dun wanna anyone to pity me but i dunno how to tell them.... I just wan the real love and not from pity to love >.< ("v")

14 Nov 2007
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Slack at home for the whole day.. At night went to hav supper with salty & bk again... Salty drove us to airport just to hav our supper At Burger king~ Then i brought a cup of coffee.. Dunno y so tempted to coffee this few days~ Then we went to salty house for game~~ when we reached, bk & salty was playing soccer.. Bk lose and then he cheated~~ then salty play bubble puzzel with me OMG i lose all the way only manage to win 2 round next game we played was naruto2 LOL bk+me challenge salt also can't win a single round... KAO! Play until all of our hands numb & sour~ Then salty bring us home.. When reached home i was continue with my drawings THn saw salty on game so i joined in who know my hands still so nua hardly play keep get killed so i went off continue with my drawing again~ Until my hands are better i join in.. Played css until the 10am++ wanna get him breakfast go find him~ but end up uncle coming at 12 or 1pm so cannot make it le lo~ hav to cancel~~ Sob! I wan hug hug nah~

("v") Simply love the nights i spend with them~ I nv fail to smile from my heart~ They cheer up my life.. Somehow i missed him but keep telling myself to control~ ("v") 11/16/2007 10:34:00 PM

Came home around 5am++... After work i came home bath & take a nap.. around 10.45pm, bk came pick my jie & me up... We went for the SSGB outing... In Bk's car, Hav Ironhide, Spectre, bk & both of us... LOL~ We went to the lan shop for gaming after that went to hav supper~ Salt join in around 1am++... Didn't manage to talk much to him or get close to him as there's too many ppl around... I dunno wad we are... Now i wish i wanna get a answer.. Right now i dun wanna b in b 1st place or wad in anyone heart... just a small gap will do.. like he always said i'm the most impt to him.. I'm the 1st place in his heart but end up... Is it a lie or? so i've learn so many lesson le... As long as he's care, love & dotes me is enough le... i dun wanna ask for more or put in anymore effort in any relation anymore~~ Today i feels so moody~ Feel like killing myself ah~~~ IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!!

("v") What i wan?? Dun try to change my history or create another story of my life! Just leave me alone in the hurts palace! I dunno wad is happy but miserable~~ ("v") 11/04/2007 04:49:00 PM

2 Nov 2007
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After the god stuff, i didn't planned to go supper with them de cos i feel sleepy as i was sick & deadly drunk~ 1st time drink until heart cannot take it~~ But Bk drove out so salty asked if i wanna join if i wan they come over.. then we met up had MAC near my house... We chatted until around 5am++ However when i see him, my unhappy was replaced with happy.. Dunno why his laughter always cheer me up...

("v") if there's a wish gaven to me i wish this feeling will stay... i dun wanna lose anymore friends when they are really a bunch of fun & happy friends i hav ("v")

3 Nov 2007
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Met QW in the afternoon i know there's loads of feeling has gone & i know there's so much things he wanna tell me... But he love keeping things from me as always... @ night had some argue with mom... Salty consoled me promised to get me chocolate!!!

("v") i know i change alot cos i fall too much time i just wanna keep a distance from human ("v") 11/03/2007 11:02:00 PM