When i spy nicole blog i saw this~ it describe my feeling too~ No wonder nicole say we hav the same problem~~

12/25/2007 02:13:00 AM

ok~ I'm here to blog wad happened today~ Ludi organized a gathering, alot of css players were there... Had loads of fun~ i was late.. As i hadn't slp on fri night then in the morning went to work... Came home busy with my mask then met adam, his friends & yu neng~ so i overslept lo~ when i reached there was around 4pm++ Then we had css~ had loads of fun.. i shd use my camera to take down how they play~ Kinda fun~ After that we went for dinner... Guess wad De5 treat all of us sia~~ i guess at lease got $100 ba~ Then~ all went home slowly~ left De5, Ironhide, Hiitsu, yteam & me.. Then spectre joined in so we sat there talk cock until the shop close~ Around 11pm++ plus we went off~ all of us went home Me & spectre live at amk so we took same train & bus home~ LOL got ppl accompany me not bad sia~ else i will b very bored~ When i reached home, i finish 1/4 of the orange vodka~ ended up i was dead drunk didn't know wad i told refrost, lonely & salt... Made they very worried~ Salt smsed me this: Sorry but i got to destory everything le hope you know why too i really got like you be4 but i can't now sorry tat i never make you happy in the end you still alone~

("v") Nice gathering! Nice ppls~ But somehow me & him doesn't talk much anymore~ ("v") 12/23/2007 11:55:00 PM

Hmm~ so many things had happened... why whenever i almost let go something must pulled me back to where i was? Hmm~ i dunno where to start abt wad happened recently... I just feeling very down & emo.. Wanna cry but my tears just dun wanna drop... Why am i so fake? Why i've changed into somebody i dun even understand myself.. I've not only lost the feeling in him & also lost the strong old hurts... I tried to understand myself but~ it failed.. i dun even know wad i doing... Just numbing myself each & everyday~ Wanna be quiet place~ I'm back to where i was... Yesterday i drunk, called him.. or he called me i forget le haha~ then he said will bring me out for breakfast at 6am.. He was here! Driving me for breakfast end up still had my breakfast at my house nearby mac... We still the same.. Non stop bicker! He still the same.. That gentle, caring.. like i was protected... After breakfast, we went to refill oil of the car.. Then he passed me $30 for me to eat... LOL! like last time... That understand me.. When he fetch me home i asked him drop me off at bus stop but he insist.. he wanna fetch me until reach my door step.. When at the stairs, he hugged me~ I burst out my tears and wet his shirt.. Those tears are like my words... Wadever i wanna say yet hardly say out was all in the tears... Then went home, played css awhile then went to slp... Sometime i really can't stand my jie... URG just pissed me off in many ways... I hate going out with my friends & family together is like abit spoil mood~ Wadever u do there's a pair of eyes will look at you~

To him:
Will i be the one again? Will you pamper me like before again? Or will me make me cry & heartbreak again? Can i be in ur arms forever? May i be you baby again? I wished yet i'm afraid of falling again~ I'm no longer that sillygirl of yours anymore... I've no courage in love... I have no strength anymore~ I can't run anymore~ That brave, strong, happy girls of urs already dead.. Now i'm just a dead girl.. My heart is dead~ I dunno when will it alive back~ I do love you but the feeling between you and me had already gone... I really in dilemma dunno which way to walk~ I know you will never come here find out wad's happened to me~ I hav so many things to tell you.. But when i saw u... i could speak anything just feel like crying.. Those tears are just like my words for you~

("v") Breathless... Dun feel like drag on anymore.. dun wanna move on as well... could some 1 carry me and move on? I really tired le... Like lonely said.. I've given up myself! Everything to me was like so heavy! ("v") 12/14/2007 10:31:00 PM

Ah~ so long nv blog le! after that day i've clear our misunderstanding, we back to normal.. Haha! But it dun last for 3 days.. he abit treating me cold.. like ignoring me! LOL!! *Why am i always putting on a fake smile?* recently, i feel lonely~ BK! also seldom online dunno wad happened to him.... mayb busy bah~ cos i know they going to have exams le... i MISSED bullying bk~ I missed chatting with him!! AH~ BK come accompany me crazy in game ley~ No u fool with me very sian ley~~ i decided to do something le... 1stly, i wanna say sorry to him.. *sorry salty* i wanna b bad girl just for once! i wanna know the taste of smoking~ flirting, drinking.... 2ndly~ i wanna really treat u as a friend le.. cos~ i really dunno how to love anyone and i know it's impossible for us~ I dunno wad u treat me as... But if i'm that "tao ren yan" just let me know.. dun nid aviod me... and hope you continue treat me this way.. the more pain & miserable i am now, the more i can force myself to stop loving you!! I'm failure in anything as eva!! But this time round, i really dun wanna lose you guys! It seems like i dun even fits to b friends of u all... No matter wad thank guys for leaving the best memories part of my life! Especially bk & salty! i really wish i'm a guy so we can b very gd buddies...

You are fate to be loner for life! so walk down the path of your sorrows, hurts & miserable alone! Dun pray or wish there's someone will accompany you! Endure it! Bare with it! until the last breath of yours.. U already went 1/2 of ur life... so you do it until the day of ur death!!

("v") No matter wad no regret for falling for you.. Cos in hurts disctionay, no regret this words! Hurts ah hurts... wake up! dun fall anymore! This love will nv hav a result or answer! ("v") 12/02/2007 08:14:00 PM