i decided not to torture myself anymore... Must treat myself well!! Pamper myself... shower myself loads of love... learn from where i fall, not run and avoid... Learn back love myself before i could love anyone else.... i dun wanna make some1 i love or ppl who loved me so miserable and unhappy... i mayb quiet.. i may dunno how to joke.. at lease i live happier they will b happier as well... Back to where i am.. that time i'm single yet happy... Cos i hav her~ Nee with me all the way.. we drunk together, slp together.. we were very close... no argue no quarrel... Drink is drink but not dead drunk~ Missed the day we brew chinese tea and drink and hav snack... missed those day my smile, my laughter.... to think back... why cos of this 2 years wad had happened things to changed myself... May b true that no 1 needs me.. and i dun hav the abilty to let anyone need me... but at lease i can accompany my mom~ it's still not useless... sy ah sy~ learn not to look so far... just where u can see is more than enough~ after a few months of torture... finally i'm half awake.. not gonna fall deeper again... I MUST LEARN! i may stupid, dumb and useless in anything~ BUT pls learn~

T.T aww~ i missed my long hairr~~~ 4/30/2008 12:49:00 PM

trying to heal ur wounds end up hurting u... made u upset cos of me... hurts u even worst....... sorry sorry sorry soorry~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4/28/2008 04:29:00 AM

maybe my life contain hate more than anything.. Thus, even if i got shower by love.. i just hardly feel it.. and take it for granted... God has alreday gave me alot of chances in living... In my mom stomach.. i was almost destory... when i was borned no 1 know i hav a hole in a heart.. yet i still survive... until doc found it... Then hav this big hole in heart for years.. until ITE, couldn;t wait anymore hav to go for operation.. still manage to survive... and now... i still dun cherish my life... for the past 1 year i hav been drinking madly.... to think back really scary of wad i've done to myself... But i still~ seeking for death!!~~~~~~~ i wish this world everything could b fair & perfect! 4/28/2008 12:41:00 AM

in the end, the story is still the same.. back to where i am... back to where i belong~ I'm tired lerr~ All fairytales and stories are just a lie or just a story... why am i always that navie.. why am i always living in illusion & hallucination world? when will i really wake up and face the facts? I wans to hide till when? Same story as salt.. i shall use the same method to hide myself & feeling until it fade away... or dun dare to face the feelings? i dunno.. just either ways to make him feel better.... GROW UP LAR!! CRY CRY CRY! wan cry till when... can tears solve the problems? i just hav to keep myself busy to stop thinking anything... keep myself busy to skip missing of him! Like b4 find a job... eat, work, slp & drunk... No extral time to think... The reson of not listening to ur words is cos... I'm used to b that.. wad he said i does... really very good girl.. so~ wads the pts? i get hurts in the end and more worst... even if i does listen.. euu just nv know.. i dun like doing things infront of ppl but in heart... Heart that matters.. But always end up giving ppl wrong infomation... Reactions and actions is the true feeling of a human being... words r just too fake! 4/27/2008 05:19:00 PM

分かないよ！分ないよ！！どして！私は真実を言うことができない。。私の感じについて！本当に　私は無視するを感じる！！分りますか？私を避けているか？

Hai~ i really dunno why i just can't tell u the truth abt how i feel... i wanted, i wish i could... why is that so hard to let u know i'm unhappy? Decision have made! さよなら！ 4/27/2008 01:40:00 AM

i woke up early today.. went market... Then smsed him... forget to off my pc.. wad he msg i think jie all saw... those sweet messages... I bet he wont say again~ Then dunno why smsed him no reply.. i waited and waited.... wait till sleep off... Then when i wake up... i dunno wad happened he was very angry and emo.. i keep wondering wad i did again... i really upset.. and heartache for ending up this way again... When i saw he say dun wanna talk... i dunno wad to do really helpless... i wanted b by his side make him smile... or listen to him... yet i scare make it worst... i know i always so dumb and will make it worst! wan to do that cannot do this alot dun wan... Miserable feeling~ Whole day i was alone~~~~ Somehow when he calms down, and talk to me i feel my heart is breaking~ sometime ur words really very harsh~ I REALLY CARE ABT HOW U FEEL!! ur every feeling reactions means to me alot alot alot! i wanna u smile always but i dunno hwo to make u smile!! only make u angry! I really very angry with myself.... Why always when i'm down or emo... he will b there and i will complaint non stop! When he having some problem... just keep it away from me! WHY GUYS ALWAYS LIDAT?! can;t we share everything why mush hav WALL inbetween us?!

("v") I really cannot take it lerr... feel like fainting! I angry till my blood rush to my brain~ Headache for days... pls pls pls... god pls take my life away and give it to ppl who cherish their life than me! i really wish hav a machine can suck my life span away and transfer to others! even sell my soul away i also dun mind anymore! i just dun wanna b torture by feeling anymore!("v") 4/22/2008 10:03:00 PM

this 2 days, he came at night accompany me... my life hav slightly changed after he appear~ Really happy to hav him.. pamper me to slp... watch me sleep.. care abt my feeling.. b by myself... care for me... all i nid is those simple action liek he does~ it really melts me... Dunno why today i so down... i really dunno why~ he was like purposely make me heart pain... make me cried for him~ and even dun wanna talk 2 me after that... i really dunno wad to do when i'm down.... i really dunno how to keep myself cheerful~ everyone of my family members said i changed alot.. seldom seeing me throwing temper... but i was very quiet and always lock myself in a corner~ there's gd and bad i guess...~ somehow i missed him~ right now i dunno wad he doing~ HAI~ my heart so pain until wanna die lerr~

("v") Is this feeling i can trust? can i trust this person i love? Can i relay on him? somehow, somewhat i've lost everything... My confidents, my trust, my love, my feeling, my sense and myself.. wad can i do now? How? can someone give me hint.. i really dunno who am i.. wad am i to him~~ Am i day dream again?("v") 4/18/2008 02:39:00 AM

sometime, some feeling fade le, lost le.. no matter how hard u try, the feeling is no longer there.. Even u force it, u still won't find it back.. especially in a relationship which u put in alot alot of effort... Wadever u tried to do now, my heart is dead.. There's no way to revive it.. Yes! you did for me alot of things this few days... u pamper me like b4... u dote & gentle to me.. treat me really nice.. But why u wanted to wait till now then do it? why wait till my heart is dead then u do all this? it's pointless.. i just wont feel anything anymore... cos of u.. i lost everything~ my confident... i'm no longer that girl who dare to fall in love.. who dare to put in so much effort in love~ who so relay on others.. i rather have nothing! u saved me up from falling.. and then u let go and let me fall from a higer level... sorry i'm not that silly girl u looking for anymore! the 1 u love is her.. and u wont b able get her back anymore~ b4 i know u, i'm alway sad & emo... and cos of u, i become cheerful and happy.. also cos of uu, i numb myself, restrict myself, destory myself, hate myself... i cannot find back myself anymore too~ just let me do wad i wan now... until i can't take it anymore... i also dunno wad i blogging~

("v") HurtsGiR is dead.. Her heart is dead... Pls let her b! dun revive her and make her fall more and more badly over and over again! Trying destroy wad i hav now! so i wont hurts them!("v") 4/14/2008 10:56:00 PM

Today, mom didn't wake me up to work.. She forgotten abt me.. When she called, she asked my uncle come fetch me.. Then i brush my teeth, wash up... and rush out~ Forgotton abt my phone~~ Ytd night wanted talked to him! Really wish to.. cos of work... he dun wanna talked to me.. I know he cares abt me... Care abt i dun hav enough slp~ End up! i dunno why feel very sad.. tears start to drop~ And i dunno how i fall asleep... and today, after work, i reached home bath and do wadever shit! Rest awhile then do housework! Dunno y my headache keep on and off! today worst.. sore throat, and body aching!

WHY?! why am i always so dumb & stupid?! All i know is CRY! why am i always drag ppl down to the same emotion i hav... Why am i always making ppl who care for me unhappy?! i just shdn't b here! i shd lock myself up like b4! i'm lonely but i wont drag anyone one down or slow them down!! Or even make their life more unhappy and hurt?! i really dun wish to drag anyone down with me... i dunno how to face him right now! i dunno wad to do! is like i keep making him emo, unhappy or giving him problems... i feel so~ helpless when i see him so emo~ i'm totally lost i dunno wad to do... how to make him laugh or even scold me stupid!

To euu!
I know u are angry, unhappy or troubled abt something! i know u hate to hear me say this! But still i wanna let u know I'm sorry! you said i alway carry everything by myself.. But how can i change when i'm used to b like this.. carry every burden by myself since young! i hav to handle every single things by myself... And everytime i will choose to run away until no chioce have to face it! Including this time.. The story will ending up like me & salt.. Is all bcos of me... i really dunno how to handle or put in effort in r/s.. i really tired to do anything.. Sorry! i know i'm sucks! As always i'm sucks in everything... If u wanna angry cos of this i can't help i really can't help! i really feel hopeless & helpless u know? but is u to lend me ur hands. wad i did is to drag u down with me... i dun wanna slow u down on the track! since i already say out lerr~ u wanna ignore me or avoid me.. i can;t do anything.. But still wanna say sorry x10000~ sorry to cause so many trouble, problems and unhappiness!

("v") I really dunno why am i lidat! i feel that i damn UGLY! as in heart! i just find my life is meaningless.. i just can;t find a gd pts i hav! i can't see anything good i hav anymore! ("v") 4/13/2008 09:30:00 PM

4 april ~ 6 april 2008
----------------------
i organize a chalet~ on the 4 of april is we been together 2 years but no msg or call from him, i totaly gave up.. Ter treat me buffet... but i didn;t eat much... dun feel like eating.. Then i drink red wine + vodka went to bed... Unknowingly i'm drunk and dunno wad i did next... When i woke up i saw him infront of me but ter was gone... Then from wad i hear i drunk and cried.... and vomited... i only cares abt the front story~ not the back... the next day i took cab to get ter back to the chalet~ infact i think~ he's already part of my life! He has been there when i nid someone.. he has been helping me through out! on the 5th we had bbq.. i was there bbq 1st time i bbq.. Just bcos of HIM!! i wanted bbq something just for him~ but he didnt eat much... i was kind angry with him.... lazy to write will continue the story when i feel like blogging~ 4/10/2008 02:40:00 AM