Have been busy for days~ Rarely slp! only slept 3hrs for past 3 days! until last night, get slightly more rest~

Injuried myself on hands, toes, feets~
Everywhere pain!!!! Body so painful!!

3 more days to go T-T

he didn't look for me for days~
And i didn't look for him too!
No sms, no calls, no everything!!
i just dunno why wish to see him so much~
Wish him to shower me care so much!!
AWW!! I HATE THIS FEELING!!!~

Cos i dun wanna disturb him!
Had a bad dream last night of him!
Dreamt of the reason why he still choose me~
Dreamt of his love for her~ *weird i dun even know her look =S*
Dreamt of i'm a spare~

Is like this dreams telling me, everything's fake!!
Asking me to wake up!! and stop doing & loving euu!

U know, u care for monster more than me~
Have u ever ask am i alright?
U hav been asking me out cos of her recently~ 3/30/2009 01:46:00 AM

what you KNOW?!
U R FORTUNE TO HAVE EVRYONE LOVE U SINCE YOUNG!
I GOT WHAT?
WADEVER I DO IS WRONG!

I WANNA LIVE WHO I WANTED TO!
SINCE U ALL DUN LIKE DUN SEE LARRR!

OK NEXT TIME I DRUNK I WONT COME HOME!!
I'LL JUST STAY OUTSIDE STAY OUTSIDE~
SO U ALL WONT SEE HUH!

We did steal money tgt BUT WHY ONLY ME, MOM USED KNIFE AND POKE MY HANDS? and u only get CANED! when it comes to u everyone just nag u!! AND EVERYONE LOOKED DOWN ON ME.
IN THE PAST WHY EVERYONE TRUST U, WHY NOT ME?

u know why i can't get up? COS HE THE ONLY ONE WHO really let me FEEL THE LOVE i need, that i've always ASKED FOR!!!
IS ALL BCOS OF THE GOD STUFF I GOT BACK THE ATTENTION!
IF NOT, I'm STILL IN THE COLD & BLACK PALACE!!
I still cannot get up is cos
I CAN FEEL THE LOVE, PAMPER & CARE LIKE MOM, UNCLES AND AUNTY GAVE TO U!
I'M ALWAYS JEALOUS OF U!! WHY U GOT THINGS I DUN!
WHENEVER WE DID THE SAME THING ONLY I GOT PUNISH AND U? NOT WORST THAN ME!

Hav u EVER REALISE WHEN MOM START TO CARE AND LOVE ME?!
WHEN I'M ABT DIE FROM MY HEART PROBLEM!!
she suddenly really care and pamper me!
BUT U KNOW HOW I FEEL? It Piercing MY HEART!

EVEN THAT DAY ON MY OPERATION WHERE IS SHE AND WHERE's U ALL?!
he's the one ever gave me everything I LOST when in my past!!
Love, Care, Attention, sweet words! I GOT WAD FROM U ALL?
Always Im THE ONE RMB U ALL BDAY
WHEN IS MY BDAY WHAT I GET!!! NOT even BIRTHDAY WISHES!!!!
Now EVEN SHE DO CAN AMEND ANYTHING?

The 1st birthday celebration i've got is from GY!
WHERE's MY FAMILY?!
WHAT THEY GAVE?
AND WHAT U GAVE?!
it's just a day but towards me i wish i hear something from u all~ Feel the LOVE! JUST NV HAPPENED!!! See ur bday last yr! CHALET, GUCCI.. ME?

WHY I BOTHER CHERISH EVERY SINGLE things FROM U GUYS!
Why WHEN i LOST IT I WILL MAKE A BIG FUSS!
WHy i changed to be better AND WHAT I GET IN RETURN!
Cos when u in china MOM USE THE KIND OF TONE, CARE AND LOVE ON ME!!
When U BACK i GET BACK THE SAME FEELING AS B4!
WHY I'M AVOIDING U ALL?!

U CAN NV KNOW MY PAIN! CAN U? cos u nv been treated this way! 3/28/2009 02:38:00 AM

nth to blog actually for today!
Just 2 words "BAD DAY!".
Gastic + headache + emo


ytd 26 March 2009,
i didn't slpt.. i was abt to slp, he called~
So i woke up. Planned to go sentosa but was cancelled as my monster just had her bath the day before~
So he brought me for breakfast @ bugis delifrance~
Then we shopped around..
He spent alot~
Brought a collar for monster that cos SGD$80 *OMG superb ex right?*
then met Rio and he's bringing his dog "Love" along~
When we reached that pet cafe~
monster so scare as her 1st time with so many doggies...
One of the maltese bark and wanted bite my monster!
Dun say she got scared i also~
When Monster runs back to where i was, the firece maltese bark at my monster..
she wanted come to me but he was holding the leash
so~
that's how my Monster broke the salt holder.. And ran off
Lucky, got him to chase my monster
If he gone missing i dunno how i'm gonna survive!
My monster cake also didn't eat much~
After that we went home...
Got big shocked and had nightmare while she's slping~

I promised not to bring her there again..
i dunno if i gave her a happy day or bad =(
I dunno why.. when he's with me i always feels i'm the most fortune
But when he's not i'm always insecure and emo!

Plus mom give me black face.
Argue with mei

My day was so bad!
I'm curse to b alone and emo!
I'm a Jinx

ithinkheforgetourspecialday0404
ithinki've got theans
imissedeuu. doeuu? 3/28/2009 02:19:00 AM

lost of words~
beyond my control~
not gonna digging too much~
to get myself another hurts~

Happy bday baby!!
Always and forever my monster =p
Hope u'll hav fun tml~~

i said wanna return drinking to him~
cos he's the 1 who let me drink~
so he's the only key who can stop me too~
I endure for days even ytd i'm so unhappy i didn't touch it..
but today, i drank~ But sober enough to know wad's i'm blogging~
god, devil, angel~
i'm really tired~
can i return my life to you as well?
you r the only key to end it~

Life is cruel... far too cruel~
i can't stand it anymore~
i'm timid, i'm not strong enough to stand for myself
i already dun really care abt wad ppl talk abt me, nag on me~
cos right now, i'm living with my heart is dead!

I'M A ZOMBIE!

shall post my monster photo soon =D 3/26/2009 04:28:00 AM

i've always tried putting the best but i still get emptiness & hurts in the end~
i realise smiling too much is just putting a mask to cover our ourselves/ problems and the truth~
Me and him.....
Really tgt again?
mayb is just that i presume
he nv say wants to b tgt again~
i'm just navie.. No.. it's worst than stupid~

i'm a failure~
Forever can't protect the things i've have
or cherish what i'm searching for
when i hav it~

No matter how much i've tried or put in
i always get the same ending~

Like like 1 of my friend told me..
A movie end no matter how many times you've watch,
it's still gonna b the same ending....

Mayb i hav to admit to my life, fate.
i'm ought to get nothing~

Everyone have something rich~
May not b money...
Maybe friendship,
Maybe Kinship,
Maybe relationship,
Maybe career,
Maybe famous,
Maybe experience
or talent.

what you've got?
But no matter what they are rich in, they'd nv realise what they have~
i used to hav 3 of them... But just a short period of time.
i used all mights to protect, love and cherish.
i only got 1 ending....

that's,

i'm still myself.
i'm still alone,
i'm still empty.

BUT memories~
Anyway happy birthday to my baby monster!!!
LURVE <3
Hugs~
Muack! 3/25/2009 04:05:00 AM

This thu outing was cancelled~
Ha~

And i think i'm disturbing my friends~
I'll stay back in the dark palace of mine..
Not gonna step out of it again~
I hate this feelings

The emptiness i had no one will knows
Nvm i can try to overcome these feeling
by not drinking =D

Look on the bright side
smile like wad Nicole taught me~ 3/24/2009 10:47:00 PM

This coming thu, 26 March

I organize a outing to Game Haven with my team!
And my qing qing =D
In the afternoon going lunch with him and my monster i guess~

Evening shd b meeting Jun, Clement, hopefully Boon can come too!
And hope Ben papa & mama can make it~
Aiya i hope everyone in Team Skypig to join in!

Cos it's gonna b a special day!
If it's really b that someone special day~

I love my friends... Really and i'll cherish as much as possible
Cos i know friends is just for a period of time
Is hard to find some u really trust and always there for u
till u r old, and die~

To me, i always feels that.
friends is just making use of each others~
When something happens u'll realise none of them is by ur side~
But ur family!

However, i'm already used to being alone
Hiding feelings towards myself unless i'm drunk~
And i'm dun really like anyone to interfer my life!
i rather want to make myself wake up and realise wad i'm doing~
Even when i'm awake i only left with regrets,
is ok! Cos is the life i'll choose
i shall take the consequence.

But now, i just wish to cherish wadever i hav~
today i almost got myself quarrel with my mom again
but i endure try not to talk back~
And i realise my mei is unhappy with me~
Everyone hav something to vent out their unhappiness!

I thought she knows me well!
Infact i've got myself wrong~
I dunno drinking save me or ruin me~
If i stop drinking when i'm down or depressed,
will i get to hurts myself again?
Not only hurts myself but everyone around me~
Friends may finds me crazy and keep a distance from me again~
Is that really alright? 3/24/2009 05:17:00 AM

photo we took on Miko's bday =DD
3/22/2009 05:40:00 PM

today went to a pub that they bring me to~
I'm drunk if he's not there i dunno how~
But i'm superb happy~
When i reached home i dunno wad happened
i dunno hoe's Jun and Clement too~
Said wanna KO them but i'm the one who got KO!
Talked with my Dua ku and Dua kim
Surprise to see them there...
If my mom like them
how good sia!

Took loads of photo! Stupid JUN!!
I'm happy!
I know i tells loads of stuff abt my story~
Which i always keeps in secret~
BUt i dunno to who~
However thanks to EVERYONE!!!
Especially QING QING!!! <3
Grown so big my 1st photo with dua kim and dua ku!



3/22/2009 04:06:00 AM

I told myself not to drink.
But i still did cos my mei mei wanna chill out~
Had our ice wine.. it's the sweetest alcohol!!
how i wish after drinking will sweeten up my day!

I slept at 9am then woke up at 6pm!
We still didn't make it to meet up =(
But i'm very happy cos i'm gonna hav my happy day later!
Really can't wait to see my team members!

Sad that Clement steam acc got hack!
Hopefully he can faster get back his acc and join us asap ~
And now i'm going for my 2nd round~


Still waiting for my pretty nicole to upload photo so i can post more of our fun day =D
night guys...
3/21/2009 02:27:00 AM

heh! Today, i've sleep whole afternoon...
Trying to hide myself from Alvin...
I really dun wanna him feel that way...
I wan him to b happy..
Infact i wan all my friends to be happy!!
Really~
So Miko must be happy ok?
Throw everything aside and stay cheerful and happy!

Nicole taught me.. on Miko's bday(ytd) Smile is very important!
Might be your unlucky or unhappy day.
But put on a smile everything would be different!!

Spend my day just like that.
I told myself NO drinking for today and tml~

had 1 and a half match with my loving team!
When Clement and I got Jun!
We was like so happy sia!
And i scream like hell~
After my game suddenly black out!
My mei and i scream for a seconds and start giggle~
Had long talk with Clement and Jun
I feel like i'm nagging them
hahhaha~ Opps pls forgive Aunty's nagging ah =D


I'LL NV FORGET HOW JUN KILLED ME TODAY!! Gonna kill u back someday =p
had a really nice & happy game XD
Can't wait for saturday to come~ Our 2nd skypig outing at some pub!!
Sure hav loads of fun awaiting =D
i wish to fast forward the time =p

I shall post some photo soon~ 3/20/2009 03:54:00 AM

Is not that i don't care/concern abt u!
I know u r trying get my attention!
And i think knowing me screw up your life!
I did! i really did!
I hate it when you feel that way,
I'm powerless to do anything!
I'm much more useless ok?!

You made me feel like hiding from you.
iReallyTired!

----------------------------------------

Last night he said will bring me out for movie and see who'll wake up at 11am.
i did~ But he did not..
Using the phone couldn;t get him up.
And i know he's tired.
So i didn't call him the 3rd time.
And i went to sleep.
At 2 plus i called again,
He picked up.
And said meet at 6+ for dinner
i rejected.

I know, i know i know it will turn out this way
but why everytime i still feel &^&@#^8
when i already know and prepare myself?
why when he wanted meet,
i just push away?! when i really wants to?
Trying show i'm a hero?? 3/19/2009 02:55:00 PM

sorry alvin~ to make u feel that way~
I really dunno wad happened to u when u dun tell me anything~

In the end he didn't make it to join us =(
I cried there...
Luckly no one knows or saw i'm crying~

Qiing i really missed u~
I really wish~
to stay with u~
Got u to pamper and love~

Oops forget to add in HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRETTY MIKO!! 3/19/2009 12:53:00 AM

Erm~ i really wish to go for vacation or wad~
I need a get away too~

I wish to go cruise with him!~
Whenever it's windy or rainy i would thinkk of him!

Imagine if we are in the cruise~
On the top of the cruise, holding each other
hugging each other surround by the cold wind~

I wish if i go club~
He'd join me~
I missed his hugs and kisses.................
I missed him! 3/18/2009 03:25:00 AM

i dunno why i hate to stay at home nowadays~
Well, i dun wanna care much i think i'll go back to work~
Back to salad bar! I dun care anymore...
Work got less time with my family got less conflict!

i dun wanna care much until i found a better job then hop over!
I JUST DUN WANNA STAY AT HOME! 3/17/2009 08:43:00 PM

i gOtta learn how to shut the fuck up!
I'm sober right now!
I'm not emo!
I'm just frustruted with myself and my life!

Awwww!~ i wan my own space!
Like before~
No one will ever enter my room!
Qsn me!
Nag on me!
Interfer my life!

i hate it simply hate everything!
AND YES!!
i know i'm the one with problem~

DON'T WANNA LET ME OUT THEN GIVE ME BACK MY OWN SPACE!
i really feel like locking me & my room 24hrs

Cos i hate it when someone knows too much abt me~
Knows better than me!
Why am i always grumping abt my life?
F*ck~

TMD ~
IF SIYI doesn't EXIST!!!
IF stupid SIYI DIE later!!!
IF SIYI is NO LONGER here!!!

Everything will b SOOO much different! 3/17/2009 07:32:00 AM

Went timbre with nicole, miko, her bro and friends...

I'm not drunk but very emo and sad~
Yes i'm crying now~
If i got a place to hide and leave this place i would go~
I HATE IT!
I HATE THE NAG!
FUCK OFF!
no one knows how i feels~
Why i got to stay at home as a gd girl?
FUCK!

i wish right now i could DRINK, DRUNK and DIE!!!
I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!
MY HISTORY!
MY MEMORIES!
MY EVERYTHING!

when i need someone, there's no one by my side~
Nicole u hav alot friends with u~ U know? 3/17/2009 02:48:00 AM

OMG I LOOKED SO UGLY!

3/15/2009 03:11:00 PM

I still continue waiting till today.
But his name didn't appear on my phone.
i wont cry won't i?
Cos i know him & his reason.
i gotta tell myself to let go.
Give up.
Not gonna miss him.
or love him.

But it's just too hard for me.
Cos my love for him still the same as before.

When he held me, i'm really happy till almost explode!
But when i think back.
I dunno who i am to him still.
If only he tells me that, i'm still his girl, his baby.
i dun mind our love move in this way.
Cos i know u r a busy person.
His gentle love, pamper that no one can replaced.

After the match.
i guess i would MiA. 3/13/2009 07:52:00 PM

Last night, we celebrate Tracy's birthday! We trying drunk the bday girl end up i also drunk! We drank Xo + Beer + tequila.. all without mixer! Was so yucks larr!

THen we had breakfast tgt at Mac in the morning after My sweetie is here!
Tracy and Joan went home, Sweetie and i head home.. Then slept till 1pm++, we went to Suntec.. Thru out the dates, he holds my hands, hugs me, kissed me =D
Everything was so sweet.. I really wish i could stop the time! And stay like that forever!
In the IT fair was so crowded! Thus, he hold my hand very tight and protect me.. <3
Then had subway for dinner and heard abt leen is not working in GrandSalads anymore~ =(
Then he drive me around and started to rain =D
Lastly, send me home..
I asked him to sms me when he get home~
I've wait till now but....
Nothing appear on my phone..

I couldn't stop smilling for the whole day!
My heart feels so happy when he holds me, did those sweet things to me (... it has been sometime i haven feel this way)
I think i'll slowly stop gaming for sure~
I shd stay a distance from my friends..
I dun wanna lose all my friends
i still believe in my curse!
I'm a Jinx~ 3/13/2009 12:22:00 AM

To some lier!!

Erm~ u made me feel that your words cannot be trusted! Why wanna make me lost trust in u? Yet still continue telling me lies? When i'm not interested in your life.. And stop questioning me will you? I hate it when u chat with me.. You words all comes with lies and thorns! Don'e interfer MY LIFE! You are not anyone to me.. Not even worth it to b friends! Why wanna lies around? Whats makes u happy abt lying? telling ppl how gd u r? blah blah blah.. Getting a car or not or for the girl, or wadever is none of my business! Will you just keep a distance from me? Didn't my body language tells you that "Don't come near me!"

Don;t bother explain~
Don't bother tell me anything abt you~
Cos it's just 99% of lies~

Look around you,
where's ur buddy who always with u?
What makes them leave u?

It's your LIES!!

Friends doesn't bother abt if you r rich or poor..
If friends only bother abt u r rich, U can kick them off ur life!
If friends who only CARES abt EUUU! Share the poor with u, That's u can keep in heart eternity!
Why wanna create so many stories?! 3/11/2009 04:37:00 PM

Well, finally i got back my appetite!
Nowadays i dunno what to blog..
Mayb it's just nothing for me to blog ba!

Today, it have been raining for the whole day! I loved it~
He smsed me.. Not just 1 word reply and our smses continue for afew mins i guess~
I really missed him badly~ Sigh~
Had afew game with Jun, Boon, Secret, Dome ehh who else can't rmb!
Gonna hav a friendly match soon...

i'm bored! not just bored but VERY!
Tracy birthday was so pack until i dunno what to do...
Anyway i got no mood for anything too~
But still gotta make it!
Sat Miko birthday i gotta make it too!
Wonder how are they? It has been some time we didn't update ourselves~

Lastly, HAPPY BELATED WEAKLING RONG! 3/10/2009 02:20:00 AM

here comes the reports for ytd Sat, 7March09..
3/08/2009 09:19:00 PM

What kind of person i am?
SELFISH & GREEDY PERSON!

Let me tell you why...
I dun share anythings i have with anyone not even my sibling! I hate sharing.. Whenever i hav to share i qns myself why do i hav to share? Yet i'm always not contented and ask for more.. I wants all good things to comes to me.. But in life who would nv meet any bad things in their life? For me i'm always complaints abt my life, there's too much complaints than cherish...

To my beloved jie:
Again i know i'm stupid cos you dunno my blog~ But i wish to let you know that I've always complaint abt u.. hate you using my stuff and so on... What i really hate in you is, u are not responsible enough and wadever u do there's no limit in your dictionary.. Like u always push Yan to others help you look after yet you went to play games without even worry who's looking after her.. And once u comes to play you forget everything.. This is what i feel mayb communication barrier.. However, u are sweet at times too.. Like u came and help me look after my monster.. Feed her, Get water for her! Clean her poo, pee or even vomit. I didn't know that i'm one of the irresponsoble person too... No matter what happens, our door always welcome you home.. Don't hesitate if you hav no where to go! You are married! But still our da jie! we knows that after ur marriage, your path getting tougher.. Yet you got no one to share with~ I'm sorry for being nasty!~ Really sorry! Beside sorry i dunno what else i can say or do~

Back to myself: I think i gotta stop gaming for sometime.. Calm down and find out what i want.. Just like before.. I love that quiet, slient, no temper, easy going siyi.. Not current nasty siyi! But i need a peaceful place to settle down~ Will you guys give me sometime to cool down? Not interfering my life style? Not qnsing me? Just leave me alone will do~
I really wonder what happened to me? what really changed me so much? That i've hurts everyone around me without knowing.. I'm sorry!~ Really!!!
Is better for you, SIYI to shut the hell up, than talking alot yet dunno what she's saying or doing!


SORRY!
is the best i could say

He called me, told me he reached home =D
He asked when i'm free =DD
Tml meeting my l4d friends =S
I'm sorry jie =( 3/07/2009 01:48:00 AM

Woke up, went to watch movie. Marley and Me... Nice movie~ I cried throughout the whole movie... when i leave the cinema, my both eyes was swollen~ Went home start L4d with Jun, Clement and alvin! Then after that with Ben that grp... Today got rape sia =( What happened to me? Mayb off form larr heh! Anyway did enjoy as usual~ We just finish our L4d! Well, that's all for today~

I missed 2 series of the perfect cut 2 =(
Looking forward on sat outing~ =D
I guess i will surprise my friends with my age and look again~ HA =X
I guess he's working/ outside/ sleeping..
didn't hear from him as usual =( 3/06/2009 12:45:00 AM

Today, i slept whole day. When i woke up jie was already at my house i faster rush to my pc.. AND CHOP IT! else she'll be using my pc again~ Hate it larr~ she use no limit one! when she play games she dun care everything... The worst is she neglect her daughter larr.. She spend more time touching pc then her daughter! i shdn't hav soften my heart and let her use again! she got time i rather she spend more time with her daughter! Dun always play play play! Next time any nice game cannot intro her liao!

However i chatted with ben in the afternoon. Then i know he's one of my blog reader! Hmm chatted alot with him! He even offers to help me look for a office job =D But i haven send him my resume... In the evening, play L4d with Jun... then css, wanted accompany him but he dun talk 2 me in game 1 =( In the end Jun came and join me.. After awhile we play back L4d...

He came online today =)
But i neglect him =( sorry
He told me on the 25 Mar, he wanna bring monster out =)
i can see him again =)
i can get that warmth hug again =) 3/05/2009 12:11:00 AM

Recently, i have been play L4d with team skypig and now i'm part of the family! Is fun playing with themm~ Getting close with afew of them... Playing games with them is the only way to stop digging much and stop letting memories run back~ Next time there's outing, i wan to go!!

I said wanna leave him alone yet i still sms him last night.. His reply is cold and short! After replying 1 of the qns i've asked.. he didn't reply my next sms~ =( I've dl the game but he went MiA.. What shd i do with the game? 3/04/2009 10:48:00 AM

Last night was the worst day! I quarrel with everyone.. My sis, my mei and my mom! I've hurts my mom with words again! F*ck~ I really wanna find a place to restart my life~ Run away from the mess~ Whole day i haven been eating still drink in the night with gastric!

Hmm~ He didn't online to find me anymore... Sigh~ Last night i smsed him also didn't reply~ i think~ We are just not fate to be~ I gonna start work for real this time, i wanna save up money and leave Sg within this yr. I'm really tired facing these alone!~ No matter how stuborn and determine i am, we already ended! No matter how much i wish to restart is already impossible~ Wake up siyi~ Stop crying and brace up!
Qing do u rmb in those days you always sings "don't cry" whenever i'm crying? Or super woman to melts me? Rmb u told me i'm your super woman? It's sweet~ I still rmb every single sweet talks yet now is so hurtsful~ Sorry to delete you in facebook.. I think for long time!! And the truth is current Mattias is happier flying freely in the sky~ i'd only bring u troubles, worries and tie you up! I'd leave quietly for now...... i really wish to get back that sweet couple of Hurts and Qing.. But is not possible...Lastly, i wanna u live happily~ i gotta face the truth that without me you are happier x10000 times~
I know i'm stupid to blog down things i wanted tell him.. I know if i dun tell him, he'd nv know. But i just dun hav the courage to tell him anything or everything.. so this blog is the best to vent out my thoughts~
Anyway i notice that i hav afew reader.. Reading my lousy blog but i dunno who they are~ thanks for reading! But i'm closing down my story soon~ =

Why i wanted end my life so desprately?!
Why i hate living?!
Cos my sillyboy is no longer with me to share my everything.....
Without him, everything's sucks and meaningless~
If i'm rich the 1st things i wanna buy back is...
Our pure love~ the love we used to hav!
but too bad! This is something once gone,
you'd nv find back again.... 3/03/2009 11:28:00 AM

Sigh! WHY WHY WHY?! why i sleep like pig last night.. if i didn't and did respond to his sms.. perhaps he'd ask me out, or chat on fone or, msn~ I regret for sleeping i shd hav stay up! Sigh~ i dunno why feel so heartache again and start drinking at this hr... i feel like ~ Nvm! 3/01/2009 06:39:00 PM